musica_universalis

I’ve had X amount of beers in X amount of time.  It’s enough to make me feel drunk.  When I’m drunk (just as every other time of day) I like to think.  When I’m drunk I’ll write it out and get it out quicker than when I’m sober.

What to let the world read if they stumble on this blog and what to keep private to myself.  Those are the questions flying through my head right now.  There are things I would tell my friends that I probably wouldn’t tell the world and there are things that I should tell myself that I shouldn’t tell my friends and there are things i won’t tell myself because they’re just too hard to hear presently.

Yet I know they’re going on.  I know these emotions are at the forefront of my mind.  I know they’re pretinant and I know they hit to the very core of what I’ve got going on.  Which is…?  Which is…?  what?

I suppose it’s all about trying and determination more than it is goals.  If one avenue doesn’t work you take an abrupt turn and try and make the other avenue work.  If that doesn’t work then you just keep on going and plugging along.  Eventually you’ll find something, somewhere that fits the bill.  Or pays them.  Until you either become happy because you’re doing what you want to do or miserable because it’s not what you want to do and you’re doing it anyways.

I’m willing to take a bet and say the majority of people are wandering down the “I’m doing it because it pays the bills path” or “because it makes life more livable path” than the “I want to do it path”.  Society has deemed the rules and we as individuals are doomed to play by them or get left behind; or determined to be something that we’re not.

I know in my heart I’m a good worker.  And I’m determined to be a good worker.  I’m a good person.  And a good lover.  I’m a good friend.  And a good son.  And a good brother.  I’m good to society and I’m good to the world.  I’m good to a lot of things.  But am I good to myself?  This is a question I’ve been struggling with recently.

There are a million and one reasons that I could debate on both sides of the fence.  I suppose the truth, as always, lies somewhere inbetween.  Who do I placate with my worries?  Not my friends.  Not my non-existant lover.  Not the world.  Myself.  Or my music.  And how does it seem to come out?  Not really satisfactorally.  That is; I can’t seem to get across what I want to say to myself to get my ass moving.

There’s “nothing I can say that I haven’t thought before”.  There’s nothing close to home.  There’s nothing in my heart except heartfelt feelings and music.  And sex.  The kind of sex that is awesome and that there are no strings attached with bad feelings because all you did was fuck and run.  Whether or not that exists has yet to be seen with me..  and I’m not so sure that it ever will be.

I think maybe the romans might have had the right idea where they would have big parties in gigantic natural hot pools and all they would do is screw.  Sure they all lived until they were 30 and probably contracted more diseases than an unprotected prostitute on saturday night…  but in the end their lives might have amounted to what they wanted it to be instead of something society deems it should be.

I suppose society can’t be blamed because society is simply a result of individuals.  Like myself.  Compounded into many individuals (such as others) who dictate the rules and regulations (or have the rules and regulations dictated for them).

I guess in the end “the world will go on without us, whatever the hell that means”.  I say this not to be cynical ..  or to seem desperate..  but who we are is such a minute impression during the timeline of existence that it doesn’t have as big of an implication as I think we make it out to from time to time.

I stopped.  Must mean I’m done.

“Friend Of The Night” by Mogwai is blasting in my ears for what seems like the billionth time in the past several days.  I enjoy this song.  The piano is haunting.  The drums are marching.  It sends me up high and back to earth at the same time.  I appreciate the feeling it gives me and I want to race with it out and hold it high above my head.

I truly am a friend of the night.  It’s 3:06am.  I feel really tired and yet somehow, somewhere really energetic at the same time.  This seems to come in spurts.  I think I kind of know a path to at least start heading down.  To see if it fits.  And maybe if it fits I’ll like it good enough to keep it.  If it’s rotted to the core I can at least throw it out and start over again.

Wonderful feeling, oh friend of the night.  Warm me with your soul.

Christmas time is approaching and I’m devistatingly lonely.  I’m tired.  I can feel it behind my eyelids.  I didn’t get to bed until 6:30am.  I woke up around 1.  That’s around 6 and a half hours of sleep, I think.  How much do I need?

Is it something else?  Diet?  Women?  I’ve noticed that when I talk to women recently it really bums me out about being single.  It’s just my mind craving the feeling.  I know it’s not a bad thing I’m single.  It’s probably a very good thing I’m single.  But it’s very lonesome.  I feel such a paradox between being the only person here for myself a good thing and a bad thing.  I know it’s a good thing but I’m having a bit of trouble finding the forest through the trees.

I need something to re-energize me.  I’m like the bunny for energizer.  except I’m his evil twin.  I have exhausted fur and my feet can’t move and my arms are missing the beat of the song.  i’m missing the meaning; or the meaning is lost on me.  There’s no manual and it’s hard to pick up where I’ve left off because…  where is that?

Shit.  Stepdads birthday.  21st or 22nd.  Cousins birthday is the other day.  If it’s the 21st I’m fucked.  If it’s the 22nd I’m good to go.  Haven’t spoken to them since thanksgiving.  I didn’t call them, they didn’t call me.  It’s similar today.  Yesterday, etc.

No hints or reminders from anyone.  Makes me think it might be tomorrow.  I should have everyones birthday written down on a post-it note attached to some close by place that I can get to easy and that I always see.  The monitor of the computer.  The guitar.  The TV.  A book.  Something!  Fuuuuuck.  !  I could program it into my phone for it to beep and it would remind me in a timely manner.  Jesus Christ!

In other news:

recording is going well; but it’s kind of strange.  I’ve got the guitar capo’ed on the 2nd fret.  I move it periodically to play in other keys but for some reason it always ends up back on the second when I record.  I guess I like that key?

I started learning “Silent Night” for the christmas song.  It’s not too hard.  The only thing is I’m starting to think I might not be happy with what I will have come christmas.

The Miami Dolphins are 1 game away against the New York Jets from being AFC East Division Champions and in the playoffs.  From a 1-15 season to that is pretty impressive.  Even if they lose it’s pretty impressive but…  playoffs or bust!

Also; While lifting weights I noticed that the reduction in weight didn’t cause as much of a pain in the elbow as the heavier weights did.  It was only a slight pain when I was lifting and was gone immediately afterwards.

My body is still kind of scrawny and I’d like to change that.

Goal:  keep drinking more water.
Goal:  don’t eat tons of sweets.
Goal:  don’t eat when not hungry.

I’ve started recording the christmas CD.  I know.  It’s the 20th of december.  I technically have the next 3 days to put this together in some sort of acceptable fashion.  I don’t want it to seems sloppy so the best thing I can do is record multiple takes and pick the best out of them all.

It’s incredibly exhausting.  Maybe it’s because of the tempo of the particular song I’m working on but it’s really dragging the emotion out of me.  I guess it’s technically a “CD around christmas time” and not really “A Christmas CD” because I don’t think there’ll be any christmas songs on it.  I don’t know any and I don’t think there’s enough time for me to learn them and play them satisfactorally to record them.  I should try, though, because there should be at least one christmas song on a christmas CD.

Hm…

I’m sipping orange juice at 330am.  I’ve thought about writing a few things in a notebook privately that I don’t want spread all over the internet.  I haven’t gotten around to doing that yet.  It might not get done; but I know I would probably feel better about it.

I think part of it might be getting it out.  It might sound ridiculous but I think it needs to be said.

A train whistles by down the road.  This always comes by around 3:30 in the morning.  If I’m awake I can hear it.  When I’m asleep it simply passes by without notice.  I wonder what kind of a train it is.  I’ve never seen it in person.  I carry images of hobos wrapped up in blankets inside boxcars.  It’s probably nothing like this; but the truth is also probably boring.

I did a quick google search and couldn’t come up with any information on trains traveling in dover, delaware at 330 in the morning.  I guess that’ll have to wait until another time.

I just went for a walk from the house up past the wawa.  I basically ended up around the dairy queen.  Last night my knees were killing me and I figured a walk up and back might do me some good once I get to sleep tonight.

It’s really empty around here at nights.  There’s something kind of strange, eerie and peaceful about it.  I can walk across some pretty big roads that are usually packed during the day and they’re absolutely vacant at night.  I enjoy not having to yield to oncoming traffic.

The world presents itself in a much slower and relaxed place at night than it does during the day.  During the day everyone seems to be on guard.  Like there’s something pissing them off and they can’t get away from it.  I don’t know if it’s location because I’ve only really been in one central area my entire life; save for visiting other states.  Regardless the pace and aura is much more to my liking than that of the daytime equivalent.

I seem to be in a daze more often than not.  My thoughts run rampant and I don’t feel quite as alive.  I come out of it and recognize my surroundings.  I feel better.  I slip back in.

I reach for a drink..  and there’s nothing there.  It’s probably a good thing, too, because I’d be three sheets to the wind by now.  Or probably 5 or 6.

I don’t know why but I feel incredibly lonely today.  And I’m reaching out..  and there’s nothing.  And I suppose it’s as it should be..  or at least how it is..  but that doesn’t seem to help my comfort level.  The holidays always give me this pining nostalgic feeling for some reason.  I can’t seem to pin it down.

I want someone to be here for me other than myself..  and that does no good because I’m not looking right now.  I’m far from considering myself a “marketable” person.  I’ve got a few things I’d like to try and make peace with or change and to me that might take a while.

I’d still like to get out more..  see a few friends.  Hey, I only have a few.  And most of them live in other states.  Or at least the ones I’ve known for some time that I still talk to.  Right now I’m stuck out in the sticks where you practically need to be able to drive just to get anywhere.  I can’t stand it.  I’m removed.  I don’t really like to be removed.  I like to have my choice of whether or not that happens.  I think most of the time I would be but there are some times where I don’t think I should be.

I started trying to convince my dad that we should record “Good Times, Bad Times”.  He called me nuts.  At least it’s not “indiscipline” by King Crimson.  I know he can do the drum part.  I’ve heard him play it hundreds of times.  I can probably figure out the main guitar riff pretty quickly.  The only tricky part is that blasted solo.

I’m tired.

Hello,

I’m mentally tired and thinking of you.  I’m wondering what it can all mean.  I wonder why I spend my time thinking this when it probably won’t amount to what’s in my head.  I guess it helps me feel less lonely.  I guess it passes time.

This piano music seems to sooth me.  It’s rather relaxing.  It feels exciting yet it never gets off the ground so to speak.  It’s kind of like how I feel about myself.  I’ve never really been the hyper type; but I can get pretty excited sometimes.  I wish you were here to listen to it.

A branch breaks
The wind blows
This gift soothes
my heart

I was walking around today around 12am.  It was crazy warm outside so I took a jacket with me but it has furry material on the inside and so I didn’t need it.  I had a conversation with the clerk.  I’d seen her before and ask her “How are you doing?” she said “I’m not going to answer that right now”.  Her tone wasn’t really that of “I don’t want you to know” but more of a “I think you might be upset at my response”.

Honestly I think it’s strange that people feel that just because they’re in uniform at their job they’re expected to answer a certain way.  When I was working at kmart people would come up with the strangest responses..  and this was during the day time.  I don’t expect every person I ever run into to be “fine” or “alright”.  Especially at 12am.  If you feel like shit just say it.  I’d rather people be honest then to get some kind of robotic answer from them.  I just kinda of chuckled and went on.
_________
I took a few hour break from writing this.  It’s now 5:22am.  I’m thinking about taking a shower and trying to lay down.  I was thinking about it after I got back from my walk.  I was sitting there watching the Eagles post game show -and despite my feeling like they were going to lose they won against the Browns keeping their playoff hopes alive for now- and Ray Didinger was on (I respect his opinion) and I remember vividly the livingroom.  And I was just happy to be sitting there watching the post game show.  I just felt so happy inside.  And breezy.  Or light if you want to put it that way.  I think taking walks really makes me feel happy; and despite the negative impact it may be having on the earth I loved the fact that I was walking around past midnight in the middle of December in Delaware with jeans and a short sleeve shirt on.

I think one of these days we’re going to get nailed with some horrible winter weather.  And it’s really going to suck big time.  And that bastard groundhog will see his shadow and we’ll all be doomed to deal with this depressing winter cold and gloom until probably mid june since the weather has been so crazy.  That’s the price I’ll pay for this awesome weather I had today; but you know what?  For the feeling I had inside it was worth it.